Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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