I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
