On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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