i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
