I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
