I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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