3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
