I will die if light touches me.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
