Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
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I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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