One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
