Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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