At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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