Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
