why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
