I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
