Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
