yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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