I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
