So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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