There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
