After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
