Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
