I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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