my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
