just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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