So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
