I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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