You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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