My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
