The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
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Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
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It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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