i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
