HIV tests are more positive than that guy
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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