the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
