i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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