I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
