theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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