Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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