took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
