Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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