After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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