Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
