well I can't set my house on fire every night
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
