He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Come on in and take your pants off
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
