I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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