you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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