i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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