I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
