i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
