I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
