Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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