sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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