I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
