I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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