My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
