The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Randomize
