I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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